Uncle Jack

Standing here at this Goddamn grave I realize you've never even given me a chance, never gave yourself a chance, always drowning yourself in those fucking brown bottles, looking for light, finding nothing but piss warm dark corners, people passing you by, staring at your insanity, and there you are, looming out those beautiful green eyes, dumb and lost, a stray wet dog, begging for a reason, pleading for answers, trying to remember how things got this way, was it the green wool uniform or what it made you do, was it grandpa's belt and his Budweiser or aunties screams after bouts with Jack's bottle or the sons and daughters you never raised, what, what was it, tell me, I want you to tell me that you remember the good times, before I tossed this cold wet dirt over your shiny blue casket, do you remember the puffs of baby powder that were padded over my buck naked body because of that itchy red rash, you called me a sad looking turkey, laughter was your thing, that's what you did, that's what you made other people do, your smiles were pillars of pearly whites, grins so big you could knock over buildings, everyone else just laughed and rolled with you, do you remember the shitty cabin we lived in, you came to visit, pouring yourself a cup of coffee and then the cheap wood paneled ceiling came crashing down, only stopped from hitting you because the cabinets were in the way, do you remember what you said, you said; holy shit, the sky is falling, I gotta get the hell off this planet, you sipped your coffee and grabbed the paper, said you were looking for a space ship in the classifieds, laughter and smiles, that's what I want to remember, but here I am, fucking November wind, fucking frozen ground, a fucking dead uncle, tried to drowned himself and then wandered around on dark winter roads, blacked out, laying there in the Goddamn snow, piss and shit, it's not your fault, remember, remember when we went clam digging, filled up buckets of razor clams, you drove down aunties car to the beach to load up the clams, you accidentally bumped the lock when you got out, the car was running, we were locked out, you had to break open the back hatch, couldn't close the damn thing, it was funny in retrospect, but you, you went and hid away, left the clams on your doorsteps to go and hide, like a child, went to go find yourself in brown bottles, it's not your fault, it wasn't your fault, it's not even that big of a deal, you don't realize, you didn't realize how much we loved you, how much I loved you, always doing stuff for other people, mom loved you for making her smile, always crackin' jokes, always washing the dishes or the house or cleaning up after us kids, mom loved you, your sister loved you, she told me once that you made her laugh when she was crying as a kid, you walked into her room plopped down beside her and asked in your sarcastic voice, whatcha cryin' for sissy, she couldn't help it, started to laugh, said I'd have to be there to really understand, dad loved you, remember that time you walked into a department store with him, looking for a present for mom, and the woman clerk asked if you two were together, dad said, oh no, we're not together, and you wrapped your arm around dad's waist, said, oh yeah, we're together together, dad said the clerk blushed, said I'd have to have been there to really understand, I hate this you know, hate it, wish you were here to tell me to quite my blood clot cryin', like you always used to say, wish I could of dragged you inside that night, lit a fire for your frozen body, wish I could of stopped the hurt that drove you, wish I could have told you that I love ya, to have hugged you one more time, to have seen you smile one more time, to have heard you laugh just another time, to have watched you work for others simply because you loved them and they loved you, but now all I've got is forgiveness.
Forgive me for not being there for you. I'll forgive you for not being here now. Love you. We'll all miss you.